


❝ dear diary ❞

by sailor_kattato



Category: Haikyuu!!, haikyuu
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Haikyuu - Freeform, M/M, Yama, college kinda of au, kinda inspired of in another life but shittier, tsukki - Freeform, tsukkiyama - Freeform, tsukkiyamafest, what else do i put for tags, yamatsukki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:07:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28082925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailor_kattato/pseuds/sailor_kattato
Summary: “I’m sorry, Mr. Tadashi, your time in this world is nearing its end.”❛ a story with a happy ending that isn't so happy. ❜
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 7
Kudos: 23





	❝ dear diary ❞

“I’m sorry, Mr. Tadashi, your time in this world is nearing its end.” 

Yamaguchi’s eyes instantly filled with tears. He just shakingly smiled and nodded, bowing his head, and asked. “H-how much more time do I have left?” He was scared. Scared of the words that would come out of the doctor’s mouth, **_scared of the truth._**

“I can’t fully tell you but it’s less than a year.” The doctor sighed, “It’s always sad to tell these kinds of news with no reassurance when you’re going to leave so it’s okay to break down here, Mr. Tadashi.” The doctor took his glasses off, and stood up, patting Yamaguchi’s back as he started to become a sobbing mess, countless tears falling from his eyes. 

It was painful. But I need to accept it. Yamaguchi just continued on crying, remembering the smiles his loved-ones have given him and imagining their crying faces once he’s gone. _‘Why me? Of all people, why me?’_

After a few minutes of crying and comforting, Yamaguchi bowed at his doctor, wiping his eyes and blowing his nose in his handkerchief. He took his leave and rode a cab home.

He opened his apartment and let out a deep and shaky sigh, as he remembers what the doctor has told him. _‘I don’t have much time. I could die tomorrow or maybe I’ll last a few more months.’_

Yamaguchi walked to his bedroom with heavy footsteps, as if he was carrying the world on his shoulders. He opened one of his cabinets, taking one notebook, covered with dinosaur and moon stickers which were messily painting the book cover.

He smiled as he opened the notebook, taking a pen, and started writing on it.

_July 28_   
**_Dear Diary,_ **

\-----------------------------------------------------------

**_ August 23 _ **

Tsukishima suddenly came over to Yamaguchi's place, Yamaguchi has asked Tsukishima but the taller didn't respond, which was not new to the shorter. Besides, the shorter already knows the reason why the latter comes over, it was obviously because he missed him, that thought made the freckled cheek boy smile a little.

Currently, Tsukishima is watching something on the television while Yamaguchi's writing something, not paying attention to the movie both of them have picked. Tsukishima has started being annoyed by the lack of attention the shorter was giving, _both to the movie and to him._ He rolled his eyes and clicked his tongue, looking at the smiling freckled boy who was so mesmerized by what he's writing

"Yamaguchi." His tone sounded commanding. Yamaguchi stopped writing and looked at the taller, his eyes were glowing with curiosity on why the older has called him. "You told me we can watch a movie. **Together.** Why are you not paying attention?" The taller pushed his glasses up, obviously annoyed by how the shorted is acting. "I'm just writing... _something_." The shorter pouted, turning his back from the older in a cute manner. "What are you even writing, huh?" 

The taller scooted over to where the shorter was and he noticed how quick the freckled boy turned around and hid the small notebook on his back. "Nothing!" The green-haired boy exclaimed and the taller was just menacing at him from above. "Obviously it's not nothing if it has all your attention. I just want to see it. Give me the notebook." The taller commanded once again and Yamaguchi shook his head cutely. "No!" 

"Yamaguchi Tadashi." The taller said in an icy cold voice but Yamaguchi just chuckled. "Tsukishima Kei." He tried to copy the same tone the taller has but he failed miserably. "Tsk." The taller just pushed his glasses up again as he stared at the back of the shorter. "Hmm? What are you planning, Tsukki?" The shorter asked as he gripped on the notebook tighter. "Oh? Me? Nothing~ I'm not doing anything~"

The shorter just looked at the taller, weirdly. "Okay..." 

He shouldn't have looked at his face, _he should've looked at his hands._

The taller's hands found their way to the shorter's stomach, tickling it. To Yamaguchi's surprise, he gasped loudly, his gasp turning into loud laughter soon enough. "T-Tsu- HAHAHA- Tsukki!" The younger struggled to hold the notebook tight while the older's just tickling the hell out of him. "S-Stop!" The freckled boy laughed once again, making the blonde chuckle a little bit.

"Now, give me this!" The blonde tried to take the notebook from Yamaguchi's back but Yamaguchi threw it away. ' _Probably not a good move but eh, I'm desperate.'_

The younger noticed that the older's attention was taken away for a second and he used that as his advantage. He struggled once again, and this time he succeeded. He quickly ran to where the notebook is and picked it up, going straight to his bedroom. Once he was inside, he rapidly locked the bedroom door, hiding the notebook in a hidden compartment under his bed. No one knew about this container, not even his parents. He used to steal candies & cookies from the kitchen and place them there when he was little.

He was startled when he heard a sudden knock on the door. "Yamaguchi, let me in." The taller knocked once again and Yamaguchi opened the door, with a sly smile. "Where's the notebook?" The blonde leered at the kinda shorter guy and the freckled boy just chuckled. "Guess~" Using his teasing voice, he waved a small goodbye to the taller.

He was about to go out of the room when he heard something. "Tadashi." Yamaguchi's eyes widened, his cheeks blushed a little. It's only a rare occurrence that the taller calls him by his first name. He gulped as he looked back. "Kei~" He teased with a wink and left the room.

The blonde, who was left alone was astonished by how teasing the freckled is being today. It's like something switched his switch. His cheeks were tinted light pink as he clicked his tongue due to annoyance. He was annoyed because _finds his boyfriend **hot** by acting like that._

He just went down and saw the shorter picking another movie. "Wanna continue watching movies with me, Tsukki?" The shorter asked like he did not just tease the taller earlier. The taller just stood there, a small 'tch' escaped his lips before he sat down next to his boyfriend who was currently giggling. The taller just looked away, crossing both his arms and legs, his cheeks still a bit pinkish by what happened earlier.

They continued watching movies all day long and Tadashi's mother prepared the dinner, which made them stop watching movies. They then took a shower and finally went to sleep, cuddling each other.

Yamaguchi looked over to his sleeping boyfriend as he took the notebook, writing once again.

**_August 23  
Dear Diary,_ **

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

**_ September 27 _ **

"Are you sure you aren't forgetting something **important** today, Tadashi?" The tall blonde was being salty again, and Yamaguchi knows why. 6 hours, 56 minutes, and 7 seconds have passed since Tsukishima's birthday started but his partner never had said anything about it. 

He gulped, it was one of his habits whenever he's nervous or he's lying. "No, not really." He said in a straight-forward manner. He knows what was happening but there was a surprise from the club and Yamaguchi was forced to shut up about Tsukishima's birthday and make it seem like he forgot it. "Tch." The taller just clicked his tongue at Yamaguchi and put his headphones on once again, and walked faster than Yamaguchi, obvious that he was trying to hide that he got hurt.

That send Yamaguchi to the edge as his hands suddenly moved on its own, reaching out to pull Tsukishima back and he had to stop himself by slapping his own hands. ' _This is torture, this is torture, this is torture, this is torture.'_

Yamaguchi can only sigh, walking behind the taller and hoping that the surprise would end well. ' _If anyone messes this up, I swear to holy Asahi, I might punch someone.'_

They arrived at the school, the blonde still not talking to the green-haired boy. ' _Morning practice is near, morning practice is near, morning practice is near.'_ His suffering would have to end soon. He sighed, relieved that the bell rang, meaning they can start morning practices now. "Ah, Tsukki, you go to the gym first, I need to do something real quick!" 

Tsukishima watched his boyfriend run away from them, bringing his bag along. ' _Tch, he didn't even say anything about my birthday and now he won't even go to practice with me?'_ The taller just rolled his eyes as he fixed his stuff, placing some in his locker and taking the others. He was **_hurt_** but with his high pride and ego, he won't let anyone know that. It would be too embarrassing for him and besides it's kind of easy to hide what he was feeling, he has been doing that for his 19 years of his life, _he's already used to it._

Tsukishima went to the clubroom with his bag, still annoyed because of how annoyingly oblivious his boyfriend was. ' _I've given him so many signs today, yesterday even, but he still didn't remember?'_ His eyebrows creased, obvious annoyance was painted on the taller's face. He's used to hiding his emotions, yes, **_but when it comes to Yamaguchi, he just can't contain it._**

The taller sighed, opening the clubroom. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TSUKISHIMA KEI!" The member's loud and high-pitched (some) voices ringed in Tsukishima's ears. He tried to contain the happiness he's feeling but he couldn't, a small smile present on his usually emotionless face. He looked at the members and instantly noticed that they lacked **_one_** particular member. 

Tsukishima sighed, ' _did he really forgot that it's my birthday today?_ ' He didn't know what to feel. He was about to be sad when he heard a shy and stuttering voice beside him. 

"T-Tsukki, h-happy birthday..." 

Tsukishima's attention was suddenly given to the shorter freckled and flustered boy. He was wearing something Tsukishima never thought he'd ever wear. Tsukishima's own cheeks blushed, as he gulped. "A-A maid outfit?" Tsukishima asked, stuttering due to his mind. The thoughts passing through his mind were very **_unholy_**.

The shorter just looked away. "I-I didn't want to wear this, it's the other member's idea." The shorter was pulling the skirt down slightly, hoping to cover some of his skin. The shorter can't look at the taller's face because of how embarrassing the situation is. "G-Gomen, Tsukki..." He apologized, thinking that the taller did not like what was happening and did not like the maid outfit on Yamaguchi.

"I-I'll just change." The shorter bowed a little bit and motioned to leave but Tsukishima pulled him by his wrists, "Let me... enjoy this for a little bit, yeah?" The taller smirked and was about to kiss the shorter when they heard 'ew's' and 'yuck's' in the background, coming from their college volleyball team. "The two just bowed and Yamaguchi slapped Tsukishima's back before he crossed his arms and started leaving, probably heading to the washroom to change his outfit.

Yamaguchi took the maid outfit off and put his gym clothes on, going outside after folding the maid costume nicely, stuffing it back on his bag. He went back to the gym, unable to meet the middle blocker's eyes. "Yamaguchi-kun? You've been very distracted. Are you still thinking about earlier?" One of their teammates was the infamous Keiji Akaashi. He was the setter of Fukorodani before and is a second year in college already.

"Ah, gomen. I'll try to focus from now on. I was just... thinking about something but it isn't earlier." He flashed a small smile at the dark-haired male and the latter just nodded and went on the court once again, practicing with some other players. Yamaguchi stood up and stretched a little bit and he was about to pick up a ball when he heard a deep icy tone from somewhere.

"Tadashi." He was startled when he heard that familiar voice. He slowly looked back, avoiding the taller's eyes. "Yes?" The shorter is now fully facing the taller. The taller just sneered at him from above, given their heights. "Look at me." The taller demanded and Yamaguchi didn't know what to do. If he does look at the taller's eyes, he'll be damned and would probably blush like a tomato.

" ** _Please?_** " The shorter heard the taller plead and his eyes shot straight to his boyfriend. "What?" The shorter asked as he couldn't believe what he heard. ' _Tsukki saying please? HUUUHHH?'_ He saw the taller looking at him, **finally** meeting his eyes. The shorter saw how his boyfriend's cheeks tinted light pink and how his fingers were behind him, he was probably fiddling with them once again.

"I won't repeat it again. Suffer." The blonde rolled his eyes, going back to the court. Yamaguchi just let out a small laugh as he practiced his own serves, with some receiving and blocking as well, considering that he is a middle blocker too.

The day went on ahead and Yamaguchi took Tsukishima out on a date, in their usual cafe. The smaller already knew what the taller liked. "A cup of tea and strawberry shortcake, please." He ordered for his boyfriend before ordering a cappuccino and a matcha crepe cake. He went back to their table with their orders and they started talking about what happened earlier, with some teasing coming from the taller and Yamaguchi blushing whenever he hears the taller's teases.

The day ended with Tsukishima kissing Yamaguchi goodbye as they part ways to go to their respective houses. It was the taller's way of telling the smaller that he was thankful for what happened and Yamaguchi is currently screaming at his pillow because of what happened. ' _Tsukki kissed me! That's rare!'_ His cheeks were bright red, due to all of his screaming and due to what happened earlier.

Once he was settled and he already has gotten over what happened, he took out his notebook from his secret compartment and started writing his daily journal. 

**_September 27  
Dear Diary,_ **

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

**_ October 23 _ **

Yamaguchi and Tsukishima are out once again, now they're in an amusement park. They were supposed to ride the Rio Grande but Yamaguchi was throwing fits of cough while in line, his cough not stopping even though more than a minute have passed, making other people, especially Tsukishima, worried about the younger. The freckled was in the bathroom and the taller was waiting outside. 

Yamaguchi's coughs were silenced down a little bit but he suddenly had a huge cough, making him place his hand that had a handkerchief on top of his mouth as he let out a big cough, and he could've sworn he felt something come out of his throat. He took his hand off of his mouth, as he sighed at what he saw. There was **_blood._**

He went outside and Tsukishima immediately hugged him. "Let's go home? You're not okay and don't even bother saying no," is how he greeted the younger. The younger just shook his head. "We haven't gone out for so long, please let's continue." The shorter pouted as he pulled out from the hug. The taller's cheeks were suddenly blushing light pink. He had a small weakness to Yamaguchi's pouts. "Okay fine but if you get an attack like that, we're going home." 

The shorter just flashed a wide smile as he pulled the taller to some booths, they started playing around, the taller intimidating the short vendors on how he easily could win the game, even if the game has cheats beneath them. The taller was quick in understanding stuff and he was bored with the games. It was easy to win no matter what it was but there's one thing that kept him going. 

The freckled flashed his wide and bright smile as the taller gave him another prize that he collected from another booth the duo played in. "Thank you, Tsukki!~" He exclaimed as he giggled a little bit. The taller just looked away, his cheeks tinting a faint pink. "Shut up, Yamaguchi."

The night arrived and Yamaguchi was thankful that his coughing didn't come back. There were times that he coughed though, making the blonde worry about his health. ' _Tsukki doesn't need to know, I don't wanna worry him.'_ He just flashed his infamous smile at the taller as he was pulling him in the ferris wheel. "Tsukki! Pleaasseeeee?~" He looked at Tsukishima and the shorter can swear he saw his cheeks turn a little red. "Okay, fine. But this is the last time you're getting your requests accepted by me." The taller replied as he started walking ahead of the freckled. The freckled just smiled as he ran to catch up with the taller. ' _Damn him and his long legs!'_

The two stood at the end of the line and waited patiently with Yamaguchi teasing the older about the obvious blush on the blonde's cheeks and the blonde defending himself by saying that it's just the cold. The couple finally is riding on the Ferris wheel, easily settling down as they sat parallel to one another. 

The ride was starting and they started going up and up. Yamaguchi never really had a problem with heights but for some reason, the ride got him a little bit nervous. He kept twitching at times and he was playing with his fingers, a habit that is only present whenever Yamaguchi is nervous and Tsukishima knew all of this. Tsukishima sighed as he took the shorter's hands and pulled him to his side. "Sit here." 

Yamaguchi's cheeks immediately turned pink when the taller suddenly wrapped his arms around his torso and placed his chin on the shorter's head. "T-Tsukki?" He called out for the taller and the taller just shushed him. "Shh, it's cold." He explained shortly but it was enough for Yamaguchi to lean back a little, his back finally meeting the taller's chest. He felt comfortable, like very comfortable in this position. It feels like Tsukishima is protecting him from _something_. He let out a sigh and closed his eyes. ' _This is precious. I can't ruin this.'_

The ride finally stopped and they got off. The shorter looked at the huge clock tower in front of the entrance and he realized that it was pretty late. "Nearly 9 pm, huh?" He talked to himself but the taller heard him. "Yep, we should go home now. It's getting colder than earlier." The taller said and as if on cue, the shorter suddenly sneezed. The shorter scratched his nose when he felt a jacket being placed on his shoulders and his eyes gazed up the taller. "I told you to bring a jacket earlier." He clicked his tongue at the shorter and walked ahead once again, the shorter just giggled.

They finally reached the car and went inside, the shorter was feeling kinda sleepy so he immediately went to sleep. The taller noticed the little sweat forming on his boyfriend's forehead so he took his handkerchief and wiped it. He leaned forward, giving the shorter a small peck on the forehead as he whispered something. **_"I love you."_**

30 minutes later, the taller finally arrived home and Yamaguchi was still sleeping. He sighed upon remembering how his boyfriend is such a deep-sleeper. Not even Tsukishima can wake him up, not even an alarm. He looked over and sighed as we went outside and opened the door in Yamaguchi's side. He took the shorter and carried him bridal style, closing the door with his foot. He pressed a button in his keys and the car made a beeping noise as he started to walk away, going to their dorm. 

Yamaguchi woke up, feeling the shaking from the taller's steps. "Did I fall asleep?" He asked while rubbing his eyes, looking up at his boyfriends with his tired and puffy eyes. The shorter looked very adorable, and Tsukishima looked away once again. "Yes. We're home now though, you can sleep again." He said but the shorter just looked down and dis something with his fingers and he looked back up again at the taller and shook his head. "Nope, I'll still have things to do." 

The shorter got down and waited for the taller to open their dorm room. He went inside and Yamaguchi immediately went to his bedroom. "Don't bother me!~" He said as he slammed the door shut, leaving the wondering Tsukishima alone in the living room. Tsukishima just shrugged as he sat down on the couch, turning the television on and watching whatever show the television has to offer.

Yamaguchi on the other hand is currently tiptoe-ing to reach the notebook at the top of the shelf. He needed to hide it because the taller nearly stole it from him again. His tongue was out, trying to focus on taking the notebook out of the shelf. 

After a while, he finally got the notebook and he let out a deep breath as he wiped the sweat away from his forehead. He took his pen from the bedside table and started writing.  
  
  
 _  
 **October 23  
Dear Diary,**_  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_ November 7 _ **

“Tsukki, just let me wear this outside, it isn’t even that bad.” Yamaguchi convinced his boyfriend that it was alright for him to wear an outfit that wasn’t really Yamaguchi-like and that showed _too much_ skin, well to Tsukishima’s perspective.

“Can’t you see how much skin is showing in that outfit? A short that’s up to your thighs and a nearly-crop-top kind of shirt? Seriously, Tadashi?” Tsukishima looked at Yamaguchi in a sassy way with his tone being a little too rough.

Yamaguchi gulped by the use of ‘Tadashi.’ Tsukishima only uses that name whenever he’s being sweet, when he’s pleading for something or when he’s serious. He wasn’t being any of the first one so he knew Tsukishima was serious in making change his clothes for him to be allowed to go out. “You’re being a little toxic, Tsukki!”

Yamaguchi’s eyebrows creased, his tone heightened a little, making it a little high-pitched. “Just let me wear what I want, no one would sexualize me! I’m not a girl!” He stated the obvious once again which made Tsukishima ‘tsk.’

“You don’t know that! Tadashi, trust me, you look amazing, okay? But this is just too much skin!” Tsukishima proved his point once again and Yamaguchi just looked up, both his hands are on his torso, as he sighed before rolling his eyes.

“What’s so wrong about me trying to be confident once in a while? It’s not that bad, it even looks amazing, as you said, then why can’t I wear it? Why did I even wear it in the first place if I’m never going to wear it outside!” Yamaguchi was getting angry and he didn’t like it but he didn’t like someone controlling him even more. “I’m free to wear whatever I want, remember?”

“Tadashi, are you really going to be hard-headed about this? Just change the clothes, or even just the bottom.”

“No.”

“Tadashi—”

“I said no.”

Tsukishima finally let his anger get the best of him and snapped. “Okay, fine! Go out looking like that. Don’t contact me if something bad happens to you, I’m leaving!”

Then with those last words, Yamaguchi heard the door shut before he could even speak. He was left alone and the silence of the dorm room flooded his ears and it was eerie. He didn’t like it, he wanted to chase Tsukishima but he started to cough once again.

He rushed to the bathroom and immediately puked blood. ‘ _I’m not getting any better, aren’t I?’_ He was still in a coughing mess and he couldn’t stop, he wanted to call Tsukishima but he didn’t have the voice to and he also didn’t have his phone with him.

He fell down on his bathroom floor, tears flowing out of his eyes as he coughed and coughed, feeling like it would never stop.

“T-Tsukki.”

Was the last thing he breathed out, before passing out on the cold, hard floor.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3 hours have passed and Yamaguchi finally opened his eyes, finally waking up as he shivered due to the long time he was passed out on the floor. He immediately stood up, but nearly fell back down again if he didn’t grab on the counter, as he started walking to his bedroom to go sleep properly.

His stomach was rumbling but he was too tired to bother cooking for himself and he thought it would just go away if he slept once again.

He approached his bed and plopped down as he covered himself with blankets, crushing himself by the number of blankets he took to warm him up. Besides, he felt like he might get a cold if he didn’t warm himself up enough.

He sighed, as he took his notebook and started writing on it once again, trying to remember what he doesn’t want to remember.

‘ _You have to, you need to do it for Tsukki. You love him, right? So go do it for him, it’s the last thing you’ll give him after you’re gone.’_

**_November 7  
Dear Diary,_ **

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_ November 9 _ **

It has been 2 days since Tsukishima started ignoring Yamaguchi because of their small and petty fight. It was November 9, around 11:47 pm, and Yamaguchi could feel something definitely wrong with his body. His body was eating itself for more than 3 months, actually nearing the 4-month mark, but this pain was unbearable.

He couldn't stand and Tsukishima was not answering his phone calls, probably still bothered by the fight. Yamaguchi held his chest, as it was aching so much, both from emotional and physical pain.

Yamaguchi grabbed his phone, dialing Tsukishima once again, but low and behold, Tsukishima did not answer. It shot straight to voicemail and Yamaguchi's feeling just got worse and worse as a second passes by. He was only whispering one thing. "Tsukki, gomenasai. (Tsukki, I'm sorry.)"

His life was a ticking timer and he doesn't like wasting any time but he also doesn't want to annoy anyone so he decided to just stay alone, just suffer alone.

Some minutes pass and Yamaguchi's breath was staggering, it was unjust and unbalanced. He can't calm it down and there were tears falling on his face as he was thinking of something. 'Is this my end?'

**_11:59:37 pm_ **

Yamaguchi's breaths became slow, along with his heartbeat. His senses were becoming numb, his hand that was clutching on his chest were slowly losing feels. His head was starting to become numb as he reached out on a familiar notebook and wrote something.

His handwriting was messy and he knew it. He smiled for the last time and said something. "I love you, Tsukki. Always and forever."

His eyes slowly closed.

**_12:00 am_ **

He felt his heartbeat stop, along with his lungs failing to function. His smile dropped at the same time as his hands left his chest and lost feeling.

As if on cue, his front door opened. A tall guy walked in with a smile and was holding a cake. "Yamaguchi! Happy birthday—"

Tsukishima saw where Yamaguchi was leaning and he dropped the cake he was holding and rushed to Yamaguchi. He held Yamaguchi's shoulders, shaking it a bit. "You're sleeping? You're just sleeping, right? Hey, baby? Wake up so we can celebrate your birthday." Tsukishima was forcing a smile as tears were slowly filling his eyes as he began to panic as he held Yamaguchi's shoulders still.

His lips started quivering as he pulled the dead body on his own. "Baby... please wake up? Please?" His tears started to fall down, as he enveloped the smaller figure in his arms, as he started crying soundly. "Y-Yamaguchi, you told me we're going to go somewhere special on your birthday. It's ready already. Look." Tsukishima pulled 2 tickets. It was 2 tickets for Disneyland and more tears started to fall as he remembers the promise he gave Yamaguchi back then.

"You said you'd surprise me on your birthday. But I didn't expect that this was what you were talking about." Tsukishima felt as if he was being stabbed by a lot of knives straight on his heart. He just hugged Yamaguchi's lifeless body, feeling the coldness creep up on his own. He let his tears fall for what feels like a long time. All he can hear was dead silence, his sobs, and not even one breath from his lover.

Tsukishima looked at what Yamaguchi was holding. It was the notebook he has given Yamaguchi as his 7th birthday present. He saw it was open and there was a pen in between the two pages and he saw the messy handwriting Yamaguchi had to write his last words.

His tears fell even more upon seeing the words that were written in the notebook.

**_'Hey Tsukki, remember that I love you, okay? Don't forget about me! Goodbye~'_ **

His heart just broke upon seeing the 'goodbye' in his note. He was sad, yes, but he was happy that even in Yamaguchi's last breaths, he never failed to make Tsukishima's heart flutter. He hugged Yamaguchi's body for the last time before calling up Yamaguchi's parents. He told them about what happened and told them to not panic. His voice was shaky as he heard the sobs of Yamaguchi's mother fill the telephone line with little sniffs coming from his father, trying to comfort the devastated mother.

He waited for them to come as he laid down Yamaguchi's body to the couch and placed his head on his lap as he decided to open the notebook to see what was written in that old gift he gave.

He was only on the first page but he already felt like crying.

**_July 28th.  
Dear Diary,_ **

_I went to go to have a checkup with the doctor today and I found out that I was sick. My life clock is ending. My life is passing away but I don't want to let anyone know, but I have to at least tell my parents. Gomen, Tsukki but I won't tell you that I am sick because I don't want you to get worried. I don't want to see you sad so I'll keep this a secret that'll reveal itself once I'm gone. I'd prefer seeing your loving gazes and your adorable accidental smiles for a few months than see you sad and depressed. I hope you can understand once you finally knew. I love you too much that I'd rather hide my pain than to let you know. Again, I love you and I promise that we'll meet once again in our next life. I'm yours and you're mine forever._

Tsukishima had to take off his glasses and wipe them for the nth time because of how much he had cried because of the sudden happenings.

He continued on reading the next pages and he was already nearing the end when he heard loud knocks on the door, signaling that Yamaguchi's parents were there. He placed Yamaguchi's head down slowly and carefully as he opened the door that was separating Yamaguchi's parents from him.

His mom practically ran to where Yamaguchi was and Tsukishima felt all the pain come back to him again as he saw Yamaguchi's mom shaking Yamaguchi harshly, begging to let his son wake up. Yamaguchi's dad stayed beside Tsukishima, patting the taller's back, comforting Tsukishima even though he, himself, is crying.

No one talked, the only thing that can be heard was the mother's cries and his father's sobs along with Tsukishima's silent ones. Tsukishima doesn't like showing his emotions to anyone and Yamaguchi knows this. Tsukishima doesn't like it when people break his defense so Yamaguchi waited until he opened it up for him. He waited outside patiently, even if it was too hot or if there were raging thunders, he still waited and never gave up. It seemed like 'giving up' wasn't in Yamaguchi's dictionary.

He was happy the Yamaguchi never gave up but he was disappointed in himself that he didn't open up sooner. They have been dating for 2 years, yes, but Yamaguchi was 'courting' him ever since they were 14, which was merely 5 years ago. He already realized he had feelings for Yamaguchi ever since the start but was scared for their friendship. What if it fails? What if he gives up? What if it doesn't work? So many 'what if's' ran through his head and he let his anxiety and insecurities get the best of him but Yamaguchi was there. And he was happy that he's there.

"Tsukishima-kun, I think it would be best for you to go home. Rest. You need it." Yamaguchi's father said and Tsukishima just bowed and went outside. The pain of being alone and having to leave Yamaguchi even at his death. He also took the notebook and decided to walk home, as it was already past 1 am.

He arrived home and went straight to his bedroom, feeling the loneliness wash him as he opened the notebook, and started reading again.

**_September 27  
Dear Diary,_ **

_Today we celebrated Tsukki's birthday! He was really surprised because he thought we forgot about it. Well, to be honest, Hinata and Kageyama forgot but what do you expect with those two sharing one brain cell if we're gonna be honest here, right? But enough about them, I also got a kiss from Tsukki, which is very uncommon and I'm still squealing about it! I can't stop touching my lips because I'm so mesmerized~ He also called me Tadashi! AAAAHHHHHHHH!~ I look like a dumbass blushing here!~ If Tsukki probably read this, he would be blushing because he isn't really the type to make the first move but I guess he was pretty happy about our surprise and decided to give me a little present as well. Well, that's all I'm gonna say because it's pretty late already but I don't think I can sleep with what happened._

_P.S. If there's a small chance Tsukki reads this, gomenasai!~_

Tsukishima smiled as his cheeks turn to a faint pink as there were tears filling his eyes once again, as he remembered how red Yamaguchi was when he kissed him. It was sudden but it was perfect. Tsukishima isn't even going to lie at this point, that was one of the best kisses he had in his 19 years of existence and he had his shot on girls before too. It seems like Tadashi was the only one who can make his heart beat so fast and make him so nervous that sometimes he just wants to run away, but at the same time, he wants to stay because he could never have enough of Tadashi.

He read the next few pages and it was about how Yamaguchi was doing at school, about his grades, and of course, about Tsukishima. It was like he could never get Tsukishima out of his mind and Tsukishima was happy about it, in fact, he was very happy.

He finally reached the part of November 9 and Tsukishima felt his heart drop when he saw the first words below it.

**_November 9  
Dear Diary,_ **

_I feel like I'm gonna die soon. Like soon-soon. I don't think I can even last a day. My heartaches are happening more often and the doctor says it's not a good sign. I keep taking my medicines, but it makes me feel woozy so I did nothing but sleep and of course, I also texted Tsukki but he hasn't texted back. I think I'm annoying him now. Hey Tsukki, do you hate me now? Can't you hate me some other day after this? I really need to see you... but I don't want to disturb you. I miss you... I don't know if you're going to even see me tomorrow, my condition's getting worse and worse as a second passes. My mom already knows but I'm sure she wouldn't be too happy if I die on my birthday but I can't stop my death. If I can, I would've done so a long time ago. I don't wanna leave anyone. I don't want to leave Tsukki. Hey Tsukki, I'm gonna give you this as a memory of me~ Don't forget about me, okay? Please love another person. Don't fully close your heart to other people because you deserve to be loved and please don't be too depressed about my death. Move on and move forward but please don't forget me. I love you... too much._

_P.S. If I'm not there for my birthday anymore, please celebrate it with other people. I already told my mom about it and she already agreed. I'm sure you've read this before that celebration happens. I love you, okay? Don't do anything stupid. I'll always be here with you through spirits and please continue on being awesome and amazing!~ Again, I love you and don't forget about me._

Tsukishima closed his eyes as he looked away from the notebook, in hopes to stop his tears from falling but of course, he failed miserably. He felt his hot tears fall down as he opened the last page.

**_November 10_ **

_Hey Tsukki, remember that I love you, okay? Don't forget about me! Goodbye~_

He held the notebook close to his heart as he cried soundly in his room, curling up because of how much it hurts. He felt helpless and hopeless and even though he knows Yamaguchi wouldn't like it, he can't help himself. Yamaguchi gave him a purpose. Yamaguchi taught him how to love properly. Yamaguchi was always there for him but now, he's just gone. He's not here and he will never be here again. He can't accept that fact but he knows he needs to.

His eyes were slowly closing, as it was tired from all of the crying, and he dozed off to his dreamland with Yamaguchi.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**1 year later.**

Tsukishima was standing in from of Yamaguchi's grave, wearing a beige cardigan that went past his knees with a scarf that Yamaguchi had picked for him. It was the birthday gift Yamaguchi gave him, which he told was 'ugly' and 'no fashion' but in all seriousness, he liked it. It fits him and it kind of matches with his blonde hair.

He placed the bouquet down his grave and wiped the dust on his gravestone. “Hey, Tadashi.” He started as a smile appeared on his face. “I missed you.” He continued, looking up in the skies above him. The weather’s so nice, you know? It started snowing now and Christmas is near.” He narrated.

“I wanted to share more Christmas with you by my side, but sadly, you’re not here anymore and I still can’t move on.” Tears filled his eyes once again before he sniffed and wiped them away. “You told me to find someone new, or someone better, but I can’t. You’re the best partner I ever had. I can’t replace you.” He chuckled a little while glancing down once again. “I guess I just love you that much, huh?”

He sighed. “Do you remember the promises we made years ago? The Disneyland, the wedding, even the dogs we’ll have, we planned everything.” Tsukishima smiled but it disappeared immediately. “But in a blink of an eye, it’s gone. In a blink of an eye, **you’re gone**. Everything felt dead, everything felt like it wasn’t worth it. You gave color to my life and suddenly, it was taken again. It felt like it’s black and white, and it wasn’t fun.”

“I’m really happy I met you that day.” He smiled, remembering their childhood moments when they were just young innocent kids running around the field near to them. “Sounds a little twisted, but I’m kinda happy that you got bullied that day because if you didn’t, I would’ve never met you and we would’ve never been in such an amazing relationship filled with love. So to Tadashi’s bullies, thank you and fuck you.”

He giggled a little, due to the contradiction of his last words for Yamaguchi’s bullies. “But, anyway,” He stood up and dusted off the dirt in his pants before standing up and looking down. “I didn’t go here to tell you that, because I already told you all of these things a million times.”

He sighed once again and looked up in the skies.

“Tadashi Yamaguchi,” He started.

**_“See you in a couple of months, okay? Greet me once we meet up there.”_ **

After those words were uttered, Tsukishima coughed loudly, falling to his knees. He looked at the name engraved in front of him before kissing it and standing up to walk home.

**_“See you soon, darling.”_   
  
  
**

**-END-**

**Author's Note:**

> hey, this is my first ao3 fanfiction so I hope you like it, criticisms are well appreciated and thank you for reading! i hope I made you cry because that would be a huge achievement for me~ hihi


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